July 5, 2009

My dear comrade:

Life, as ever, is changing- for the better or best is any one's guess and still unsure even after that. Again people pop in and out of my life. I still wrestle with this overwhelming sensation of being deserted by my friends and family. Am i such a mis-fit in this land of cookie-cutter [made in the usa] conformity and uniformity that no one will ever truly want to be around me but for that too-short time? When did being a womyn in America [the modern version] equate to being silent? Dispassionate? Despondent? Yet it would seem these are the virtues others seek that I am found so terribly lacking. Mayhap what makes me a good activist makes me a horrible friend/grrlfriend. I dunno know anymore...

My moods continue to swing in uncertain circles and random cycles these past few days. This new round of pain management medications has left me disconnected to reality... not knowing nor understanding much of the happens around me. It's like being mired in a thick cloud with no sense of direction or structure. Only this lake feels familiar and solid. Sitting here on its banks, I can almost recall the sensations of what being well of both body and mind must have felt like... even more miraculous, i can almost envision what wellness and wholeness shall be like again in that much-awaited day of total healing! But the current pain settles around me like a bad air, never leaving or allowing relief... merely pushing me past my sanity's realm.

During the craziest of my days, though, i look into a future or concurrent world where the sisters, the mothers, the womyn, the rebels, the outlaws, the people, the underdogs, and all other "undesirables" joined hands and evolved/emerged into a future of peace, harmony, wellness, wholeness, unity. But just as i begin to enjoy my fantastical visions, I then check back in with this reality and my life. Only by so doing can i see more signs of the same old cycles and shyt inherent in this former age's paradigm view-- more penile posturing of "perceived" power... more devastating technological prowess exhibits... more greed, abuse, and repression... more enslaved indigenous cultures pillaged by the supposed saviors and missionaries of capitalism!! Have we as a people still not learned... are we still growing leaps and bounds beyond our humanity? And why is it that men wage wars in posh and air conditioned tactical rooms, while the boys, womyn, and children suffer on those war-mongers front lines?? !!

What do you think comrade? Are womyn of this age finally stirring from the patriarchicy-mandated stupor? Is the push against those former systems of repression such as honor killings, female genital mutilation, fundamental/patriarchal interpretations of "religious, holy" texts, etc. indications of the new paradigm seeking a place in our reality? Could peace be possible if such a shift of paradigm from the masculine to the divine feminine were to happen? Is the creation of something truly a balance and off-set against this age's rampant destruction?

Warnings are in the sky-- written on our walls... how long has Mother Gaia been airing her displeasure for all to see?! Even here today at this lake of utopia, the waves are choppy, the sky brooding. no birds, not one chirp or coo today, as if all nature is scorning we pesky humans today... Oh, but to change into a chipmunk and forever doff the stain of human from my skin and soul!!

Til next time, I remain your confounded comrade, ~z