A Collection of Poems 2006-2009

WORDS. WORDS... PRETTY WORDS

tippity tap across this screen. poet words. passionate words. workers' words. angry words. compassionate words. empty. words. promises. words. intention. words positive. words. fighting. words-- nothing but words!

why can't i get my voice back? where has
the last shred
that used to be
the identity
with which i could try
to realize me
slipped off to??

evolution, incarnation, consumption in ashes of identities past to emerge as what?
nameless, speechless, blank face... swirling twirling in the mysticism of the potential...
submerging, engorging, consuming toxic swell of western lifestyle--
gmo's,! heartless mass production, reduction of Gaia's skin
against the sustainable environmental calling... the din

the horde of cries of agony, of terror, of pain.
why can't you hear it--
[insert stillness of suburban night]
these expectant voices pounding, resounding, confounding...
ever-plaguing this brain.

stretching, regressing...still reaching onward.
finding a place--
a space to do some positive in this world...
this is my task. [but would just a bit of assistance
be so much trouble to ask?]

answer are abounding...
finding my question is hard.

[testing the quantum pool of impossible probabilities,
even here lying prone
or bowed in pain/grief on my knees.]

mayhap my sanity is slipping--
mayhap it never was
or long past, ceased to be.

thus ends this insignificant jumble of
my rantings and insecurities.



ODE TO THE OLD "WE"

because once upon a time, i called you mine...
because once upon a time, we sat for hours next to a pond
and dreamed of growing old together...
because once upon a time, i felt i could take over the world if you were next to me...
because once upon a time, i allowed myself to be taken care of without guilt...
because once upon a time, we chased sprinklers with your jetta...
because once upon a time, we scrounged for change for ciggies and a rental...
because once upon a time, we made it through no matter what,
and ate shared subs, and played kingdom hearts, and sang to Bjork in the kitchen...
because once upon a time, you held me in esteem...
because once upon a time, you were the best friend i had ever known...
because once upon a time, everything changed...
because once upon a time, you gave up and left...
because i was no longer who you needed me to be.
and now i'm having a moment's misery remembering who we used to be--
and realising that you will never read this or know how much i miss--
--my former best friend

because of all of this and more, i had to rip out that part of my heart that had your name inscribed on it; and create a void where once you did live.
only i have yet to fully accomplish this amnesia...as this poesy will serve to attest.
so perchance i am psychically talking to the you you used to be...
and maybe that you is taking a moment to dance in the kitchen with the old me...
"the way you wear your hat... the way you sip your tea... the memory of all that..."



NORTHEAST LONGINGS AND DESIRES

4 days have passed since i held you last--
phantom pressure of your head lingers on shoulder...
Spinning, reeling with these surreal feelings; are we going too fast?
yet all feels well, you make my heart swell
with sensations i fear to out loud name or tell...
could you truly reciprocate to me, so much older?

i'm finally giddy & happy...hopelessly sappy;
as this poem attest- i ought give love's poetry a rest...
instead daydreaming of your meeting mama and daddy.
could this really be love?
we fit as a hand tailored glove...
with my tentative heart, please don't jest.

yes, i may be falling for you---
would that push you away
from us, or shall you stay...
else at arm's length hold me at bay?
what, oh, what will you do??

my Prince in a tree, run away with me
into a sunset we paint together [?][!]



MEDITATION ON LOVE PAST

the time had come to call it quits--
why did we cling to such a misfit?
i tried and tried to alter myself,
be your dream and vision... but amid the derision
i lost the love i had for you--
and me; the "we" that we were supposed
to be
never happened.

Another love's labor that didn't remain,
would it have been different
had i been sane?



TO THE ARCHER BUNNY:

When i received your message today,
i've been wracking my brain for something to say--
a word... a line... and nonsensical rhyme
to aid you in this trying, difficult time.

i have little to offer-- all seems so vain
during season of illness, with life and hope drained...
please remember in the darkest of tempest clouds' warning
a glimmer of silver remains: be it mist in the morning;
fine wine swirled in Waterford crystal glass--
or darting flirtatous advances while dancing off your ass.

keep fighting, keep striving toward wellness regained!
so many fabulous adventures ahead of you remain.
never doubt that your friends are right here beside you--
may the mercy and healing of the goddess uplift and guide you.



TO MY PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE EX'S

Sitting here smoking, toking…. Choking,
recalling visions of you—
in soft filter focus, the lighting just right
i have a myriad of negatives to chose.
Placing each reverently in the box—
if i do it but gently, i shan't disturb
the bitter sweetness They contain.

Sounds of clocks footsteps marking the passage of time—
time since gone, swept you by, but i remain
Right there… lying in bed before you,
Or upside down on the stairs…

Do you remember that day, or night should I say?
What about the day that we met?

Is our friendship at stake for the mistakes that we both make?
Reaching out to you—
Can't you see that I still adore you?

But I'm a figure so bad—run while you can—
My heart and mind bear the scars of too many--
…I am healing.



A PRAYER TO THE COSMOS...

here i am... night has fallen--
crisp air of winter's promised return, breathe in the return of dark visions, daytime derision...and perchance next phase of crucial decisions??
i'm here alone, tired, stricken, maybe even a little smitten--
the pounding cadence of whirling thoughts
across my brain is written.

"what do you want from me?" i scream in my head...
overhead a cloud lazily lolls by.
"is that the answer you offer to me??
silence- nothing but silence and a rustle of tree??"

the cloud cover gathers, the knocking winds begin...
feel the power of nature almost equal to the hazards within...
i am the product of tempestuous marriage... of selfish desire and manipulation...
i am the product of desires covered and uncovered, of secrets buried safe within a smile, a nod, a cheesy grin--anything to cover the danger within.

nobody talked of our pain, collective or not,
nobody called out the truth when it slapped us across
the face and the country, we kept running a lot--
and i ran and i ran, tried to run from myself--
eventually, i DID catch up
to all the experiences that i
fell in... because i was too frightened to simply stop and breath again...

"but you all," i accuse to those in the heavens-
"you all watched and stayed silent, as now...
you proffered the chalice, and yes, i did drink;
i want to see more--show me the truth...
let me see past the haze into my reality...
i accept the consequences of paradigm shift and positivity,
connectivity, quantum physical mechanics--
here i am, i offer myself as a vessel...
use me, abuse me, you all already know how i love to wrestle
with myself, those i love, and this civilization...
but sweet jesus, and allah, gaia, and buddha!!
[and anyone else that might be hearing]
from this minute wisp of energy in the heavens...
please guide and lead to what i should be doing?!"



TODAY IN THERAPY

i'm letting go..... this isn't my shame, this wasn't my blame i made a mistake...i stumbled and fell sprawling bare on the floor this is my new door... opening new journeys a place to collect, reflect and project where i'm going from here... introversion into chaotic mind's chamber i'm mending and healing concealing and reeling from final effects of life gone amiss... but i have a new start the dawn is arriving toward self-sufficiency striving... my life's goals have been set, disappoint i've met but now i'm ready to venture on.... so i tried a new path cut a new swath of journey never taken by me... i finally let go....and now i move on! even tho' Damocles' sword sways o'er me