How I notice the void and your absence when we cannot exchange words! Mayhap this is the season of silence- the piercing kind that no amount of distraction or melodic resonance can ultimately overturn. It all seems for naught; life and the desires contained within! All the effort, all the suffering, all the remembrances, the vigils, and rallies, and marches, and awareness campaigns... the fund-raising and volunteering, the connecting and growing-- what is it all for if things keep devolving, and people keep being apathetic? Or worse, they have used their once beating heart and ounce of humanity to form a cold logic which can carefully argue why any altruistic deed or attempt at making a dent in this world is futility and folly!
Why is it that the destruction, nay saying, and inertia are so quickly diffused in the collective conscience? While creation, encouragement, and action--the vital life forces of any civilization-- seems so removed from the masses? How does one motivate and activate others to care when sometimes my ideas and perspectives sound so naive and impossible even to my own ears?? Feeling so terribly lost in a world that seeks to divide when all I desire is connectivity... truly do you think some of us are alien to this realm? Is this why people such as we never feel like we belong anywhere? But then that also begs the question, how ever shall we find home-- if one truly exists?! Even of that I am beginning to doubt. Doubting my power to change the world merely because I doubt my own resilience against those who wish to derail my goals and devalue my humanity, such is my own paradox-- telling others how beautiful their inner goddess and power is, but unable to believe in my own.
Why ever did we learn to listen to those who called us insane for wanting to change the world or even just try walking on my own alternative life path? Odd that I am labeled a dreamer and "do-gooder" that seeks to change the world... I'm not sure if I would even qualify as attempting such things anymore. Is this giving out or giving in? Maybe just symptoms of this melancholic season I'm find myself contained within.
Yet there is still some sliver of compassion deep in me that weeps when cathc glimpse of a dead animal on the road or a picture of a suffering child in some far-removed country; or when listen to a tale of a life from one of the street residents in my town. How does one balance the inner drive to leave some dent in this world against all the external resistance to anyone or any idea that seeks to do some good or offer alternative solutions? I feel so trapped here in this existence, in my own mind. Limited by rules and regulations I can't believe exist but am warned not to live beyond. Why is it so difficult to just go and hold and rock a baby that was born with AIDS in this or any other country? Why must so much red tape be cut to glean food for those that are hungry? Why is trying to make this world just slightly better such a threat to humanity? Why are so many of us with a heart to assist or help refused for our un- or under-qualified status? Why ask why... is that the answer?
Thank you for giving me a shard of light in my increasing darkness. Forever grateful to be your commrade, ~z
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