this phoenix finally reemerges... (Part 1)

from another almost-6 month hiatus from life, from my writing bloc, from hiding from art creation, from allowing any form of connectivity with another, from another nuclear winter of my heart and soul... Please dear reader, forgive what is bound to be an exercise in attempting to work in this medium once again.

So much has transpired in the interim from my last real post til this one. Looking back, realise that its been almost a year since have verbally thought-masturbated for the unknown virtual masses! Since last we met, have learned that growth and evolution never stop- even when you wish they would. Yet both require pain, alterations, sometimes physical altercations, neural network renovations, and other bits/fits of life. Such have I been steeped.

From the back ailment [and after intense periods of non-healing, re-injury, and subsequently more therapy and healing], am finally "stable and able for work." At least according to my doctor and the Dept. of Labor and Industries. Mind, however, that this comes AFTER being assessed as permanently partially disabled because of the herniated disks in my back and the presence of DDD and beginnings of arthritis! Another new set of medical truths to add on to my list of identities! The bright side to this is that I can now have a "park-close-I-can't-walk-far" pass for my car for the rest of my life. In some states the disability placard is even free, woot woot! Apparently this new label will even help open some doors for assistance at my school, who knew?

Watching the happenings leading to my best friend's life imploding last Dec. felt eerily as though I were watching a rerun of my 26th year of life- the trials and setbacks; the cycles; the futility and frenetic occurrences. We both became home insecure, availing ourselves of then amidst her reconstruction, my tarot revealed the tower card! Such a grand gift to receive as I turned 29...

On a clear but bitterly cold evening in March, in the middle of a double wide's kitchen [trailer replete with black mold, leaky roof, icy drafts, and mice], I sunk to the floor hearing the news that my former best friend, peer, teacher, adventurer, lover, and girlfriend had died unexpectedly on March 16, 2010. Ironically, this news arrived while I was observing the 7 year anniversary of Rachel Corrie's death. Liz had been both muse and mother, lover and critic, friend and foe. My last conversation with her had been two weeks prior... slipping back into old patterns of mistrust and animosity, we had quarreled over another mutual friend. My final words to her were not as gentle and compassionate as they ought have been. To my final day, that is something I will have to learn to endure. To say that my world stopped would be a blessing, to say that it crumbled would be misleading... For this passing is the first time that I've not been given any warning... there was no illness, no time to prepare... not even any indication from those closest to her that anything was amiss! One moment was contemplating inviting her out to visit me in Washington, then the next, she was no more. My light, my sustenance, my goddess, my hero vanished without a hug, without saying goodbye, without much explaination.

Grieving, for me, has historically been both a rough process and an extremely fucked up one. Living life emotively can be a full contact proposition... grieving thusly is next to impossible to do without exacting a grave and serious toll on one's body and mind. Over the course of the month after her passing, i grieved as best i knew how... drinking far too much to ease the rending ache, the scorching memories that kept flooding over me. Losing myself in a tide of hopelessness, booze, anti-anxiety drugs, and high-risk behaviors, I determined to follow her lead; handing her my life in some overly angsty facimile of Shakespeare's famous lovers. Thankfully, as this blog attests, I didn't succeed... but most of my spring and early summer were consumed by the planning and fantasizing of this ultimate mea culpa.

Then the cosmos turned an ear towards my suffering, just in time to alter the course of my plans. First and foremost, I returned to Olympia from the trailer life of backwoods Wa. and its solitary seclusion. [Rochester also gave me a black mold lung infection almighty to rival the worst case of pneumonia have ever had to fight!] The healing wasn't just in returning physically back to Olympia, but also in being ready to begin building friendships once again... to throw out intentions to find amazing womyn with fantastic thoughts and compassionate energies, only to find the universe answering and sending a cavalcade of beautiful friends to me. So many nights spent struggling over guilt for trying to be a friend while knowing my secret intentions of not being around beyond the end of summer. This guilt may have been a piece of my eventual salvation... Yet finding a home to really call home, to find the house that contained my new tribe, and near-perfect match of a roommate was also a giant, unexpected blessing. That I am still here is due in no small way to queertopia, to the housemates, and to the puppy love that is no longer with us. In fact in desperation for an answer to all the dichotomy I was plagued with, the cosmos even granted a mentor who showed up right to my door as requested in a midnight's cry.

And now tis time to begin an experiment in gluten free corn dogs with sweet potato fries... thus will leave with promises to fill in the blanks, and finish this narrative. til then, thanks for hanging in with me...