learning languages...

and talking online to people often make me feel completely inept... i am quickly coming to that age of brain development [or is it decay??!] where learning things is getting significantly harder.  which in its own way is teaching me a little something about compassion, particularly for myself.  it has been several years since i have actively, and with a deadline, undertaken to learn a language and loosen my tongue to grasp new consonants, vowels, diphthongs, and all those other sexy linguistic words ;)  surprisingly, i like being in unfamiliar ground with a language... i actually enjoy being at a loss for word when i try arrange my thoughts.  or maybe that is more indicative that my thoughts are getting lost and jumbled in my head... the more i plan for a trip abroad, and the benefit show to pay for the trip abroad, all while trying to coordinate housing arrangements; organisations, hospitals, orphanages with which to volunteer there, and doctors appointments, physical therapy work outs, and the like here -- well lets just say that i must be crazy.  cuz only the truly insane would still think that any of what i am intending to do is remotely plausible!  i haven't even had time to determine if i can travel with out getting all the vaccinations the CDC "recommends" or whether a fight against such vaccines is even worth the effort. i am still excited by the quest for new places, new stories, first hand experiences... but the logistics are at times overwhelming.  thus do i sit and intend all these pieces of the puzzle to come together in possibilities i can't fathom :D

yet at times i fear the doubts and thoughts of how futile all these efforts are or will be on the grand scale of cosmic life... so i swing and sway in thoughts that refuse to be positive when i would need them to be... bah, i wonder if all the positive change agents and paradigm swayers and shape shifters of the cosmos go through such seasons of self-doubt, hopelessness, and the occasional sheer terror?!